Is It Worth The Conflict?
“I don’t like confrontation, so I usually don’t bring it up.”
I hear this comment a lot when teaching students about issues surrounding vulnerability, diversity, and inequality. Specifically, more of my female students admit to lacking confidence and avoiding conflict whenever when they can. Discussion around topics like immigration, race, LGBTQ, denominational differences, politics all have a tendency to get heated.
It seems some of us are wired to stay in the ring and fight it out when things get heated while others of us retreat to our emotional couches.
I’ll admit—you’re more likely to see me in a good debate than you’ll see me on the couch. Maybe it’s my competitive spirit; sometimes I think it might be secondary trauma. I’ve seen it too often when women get run over by someone louder, stronger, or just simply more confident and they end up feeling miserable or even abused. I also feel compelled to advocate for people and the vulnerabilities they share. So when those stories are trusted with me, I struggle to tolerate crass opinions without a face and soul in mind. My arm pits get sweaty and I’m toe to toe.
I believe we can all grow in our ability to be appropriately assertive and even confrontational when necessary. These skills can help us in hard conversations and establish boundaries in our lives. Here are some ideas:
First reflect: Reflecting what the other person is saying promotes connection and understanding. They’ll be more likely to listen because they feel understood: “So you’re saying…it sounds like…so you see it as though…”
Don’t using passive language: This usually sounds like a question and a dance around what you’re really wanting to say. “How about….would you be able to…I’m not sure…would it be okay?” Instead, start your statement with “please” and move directly into the request or statement: “I hear you saying that you feel frustrated about the pace at work; that makes sense (REFLECTION). Please follow procedure and fill out a complaint form (ASSERTION).
Learn to say no: Shout out to all the recovering people pleasers. Someone once taught me that when you say no to something, someone else gets to say yes. Just because you’re good at something and can do it well (maybe even better than all the others) doesn’t mean you have to do it or should do it. It might be a perfect opportunity for someone else to grow in important ways too. Assertive and confident people know their limits and stick to them.
Know your worth: More education doesn’t mean smarter. Stronger and louder doesn’t mean they get to hurt you. Older doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wiser. One of the most important moments of all time was when my Savior breathed life after being dead for three days. God chose to reveal the miracle that will bring me to heaven’s gates to a woman first. He trusted a woman to tell the story; to speak up and to tell the truth. Your words and courage to assert or confront could move everything in the right direction. It could bring justice, peace, and right relationships; something that might not have happened if you stayed quiet.
You’re a role model: The little ones around us are watching. The couch sitters are watching. They look around and pay attention to who is leading, speaking up, and knowing their worth. They’ll learn to say yes to hard things and no to people that aren’t good to them. They’ll lead during important times and they’ll stay in the ring because it’s worth it.
Good Books on this!
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