The Power of Repair
It would be nice to get everything right the first time, but making mistakes in our relationships is inevitable. Dr. Daniel Siegel, an interpersonal neurobiology expert, defines rupture in relationships as a “break in an optimal way of relating to other, or to our own inner selves.” He explains that these types of ruptures often come from shame, stress, fear, insecurity, and can even come as an overflow of our own insecure attachment to our parents.
A month or so ago, I was coming home with my youngest three children in the minivan. I called my oldest to walk home from a friend’s house (a block or so down the road) so she could meet us at home. As I approached our corner, I watched my responsible and thoughtful almost 10-year-old cross the road without looking and caused a God sent woman in a red SUV to quickly slow down and wait for her. The lady gave me a heroic wave and relieved smile as we passed by each other.
I should have been thankful but I was fuming.
I met my daughter in the garage and chewed her a*% for not looking both ways and being more careful. I continued chewing all the way to couch where she denied that it happened at all. It wasn’t long until tears started to swell in her eyes and it was apparent that she was worried and sorry.
To continue the chaos, I ended the conversation with, “I’d rather you be late than dead.”
Nice one Tara. Real nice.
I walked to my bedroom to fold laundry with my heart racing and full of…something overwhelming. I went through a couple articles of clothing and it didn’t take long for some guilt to settle in as my “thinking brain” started to work.
Dr. Siegel also teaches about the science of repair. When we repair the relational ruptures we cause, we increase connection, resilience, and intimacy with others. He defines repair as “an active effort to acknowledge the rupture and establish a new and attuned connection that serves to create compassion towards ourselves and toward others.”
I walked back into the living room and sat down next to her. I gave her a hug and said I was sorry. I knew in that moment that the near accident likely brought me back to the way my biological father died (which was sudden). In my tears, I told her that I think I still worry someone else I love will be taken from me. She remembered Grandpa and how he died so I think she understood. I told her I still want her to be careful around the roads, but I should not have responded the way I did.
I felt her body calm down as did mine.
I also felt closer to her. Even more than before.
It’s not if we make a rupture. It’s when. Relational ruptures are part of living on this earth with other humans. When we find our calm and humble ourselves, we can make the repairs we need to make.
It can be hard but so far it’s always been worth it.
