I Believe you
Every winter since moving back from Florida in 2011, we miss the smell of the salt in the air and the way the warmth wraps us up when stepping outside. Adding 4 kids to our mix over the last 8 years has been challenging in terms of getting away, but we have always managed to take a trip back to the sunshine state with only adults. The same was true in March of 2021. I wasn’t pregnant, I wasn’t nursing, so my body was all mine. Bring on the margaritas.
I typically get up early on vacations. My mind wanders about how the kids slept, what the day will look like, if I can squeeze in a work out, and where a good place might be to get some coffee. One early morning after walking out of the room of our resort on the 4th floor balcony facing the parking lot, I noticed some cops were on the premises.
Someone must have had too much to drink, I thought.
I looked over and was horrified to see a woman lying face up on the concrete; her life was gone and the scene was so sad. I turned around with my hands over my face, not explaining anything to my husband who was following closely behind me. I tried to get back into the room as fast as I could.
We had just witnessed the discovery of an apparent suicide. The very same top floor restaurant that had served me fish and chips the day before had been the place where this poor woman decided her life wasn’t worth living.
I spent the next few days trying to process what I saw, realizing that there were only just a few minutes that anyone would have seen her at all as they quickly covered her up, moved her body, and cleaned up the scene. Not even an hour later we saw beachgoers walking towards the sunshine, over the scene, not knowing what horrible tragedy had happened just hours earlier.
That is what was probably most troubling to me.
You have stories too. You have stories of tragedies and traumas where you had to experience something you wish you hadn’t. Some experiences and feelings are overwhelming, hard to explain, and difficult to understand.
Can you imagine if no one believed you when you told them the truth?
Can you imagine if something happened to you that interrupted your thoughts, caused you to re-live those stories in your head, or made you feel like you needed to be somewhere else just to feel safe….and no one believed it even happened at all? Could you imagine if they asked you if you ‘were sure you weren’t misunderstanding what happened’ or if they suggested that the person or situation that caused the harm wasn’t actually responsible at all? What if they minimized your feelings and said the sadness or fear wasn’t as bad as you describe?
Fortunately, I had all the resources I needed to get this distressing event to pass after a couple weeks. I talked about the story with the friends that were there and I allowed the gifted therapists I work with to talk me through it.
I never had anyone question my story. There was even a short press release and 5 other of my closest friends that also witnessed it.
Many people, specifically those that are sexually abused, don’t have the luxury of their story being concretely corroborated with so much evidence or being believed the first time they tell. Harm happens when no one is suspecting it and from people they thought were trustworthy. Physical evidence and multiple witnesses are extremely rare.
In my 15 years as a clinical social worker, I have never met a child or adult take back their traumatic story nor have I ever discovered they were lying. In fact, many would have given anything for the story to simply not be true. I recognize that in my profession it is easier to always believe as I am not responsible for legally proving the weight of “beyond reasonable doubt,” but in reality, there’s very few of us with that burden. False reports happen, and they are damaging; but they are also rare. Although the definitions of “false reporting” and compliance with crime reporting has made gathering data difficult, most studies suggest that false reports (different from unsubstantiated reports) in the area of sexual assault is very low, ranging from 2-10 percent, with younger children’s reports being even more reliable. Read here to learn more.
I don’t know the story of the lady who ended her life that day in Florida; they never released her name. But statistically, there’s a good chance she had a story that needed to be believed. And maybe If someone would have believed her, she could be living her best life yet today.
So, if it means anything to you today, I believe you.
*If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please ask for help: 1-800-273-8255.
If you’ve been abused and haven’t yet told, please find the courage to find a therapist. He/she WILL believe you. If you’re not sure where to start, please email me at drtaraboer@gmail.com and I will do my best to help.
I can’t wait to serve caregivers of children who have been sexually abused. In August, I plan on releasing a course to help those of you who have had a child impacted by sexual abuse. If you want to receive my newsletter and be informed when courses and more writing like this is released, please subscribe.
